Shoutingoutmythoughts

Cousin Jackie

2005-02-24T13:56:00.000-06:00

Going to the Cities tomorrow morning to pick up my cousin Jackie! She lives in California. Is she nuts leaving that sunny weather and coming up here to the cold in Minnesota. It should be the other way around I should be the one going down there and visiting her. But I am so glad she is coming to visit and we will have some fun. She is going to stay with me this whole weekend and that means a good time. My plans are to pick her up at 1120 a.m. at the airport, then do a little shopping at the Mall of America. Then head home and see how she feels if she wants to hit the town and have a few drinks.
She is so outgoing and never afraid of trying new things but on the other hand she can also be reckless and so out there. My life is normal and simple plus I don't like a lot of attention brought on me so that makes us totally opposite. This weekend I will break open my fragile shell that surrounds me and TRY to break out, like I have a choice when I am with her!!

Sick and alone

2005-02-19T16:38:00.000-06:00

It's the weekend and I am home sick!! When people are sick WHY do they come to work??? I am not talking a little cold but when they look like they are knocking on their death bed. STAY HOME!!! I tried to stay away from them washing my hands all the time and now my hands are so dry and chapped they hurt to now!
Yep, I am in one of my moods again! Like I am mad at the world and I am ready for a good fight! I tell myself just relax and don't be so stressed out, but then my other side kicks in and says screw off and lets put up a fight with anything. See I am not a happy person today! I don't want to talk to anyone my answering machine is screening my calls. I feel if I do talk to anyone I will regret it later! THIS REALLY SUCKS! I really don't like being this way BUT BUT......... I don't have anything for a good excuse! My friends THINK they know why!!!!??????? LACK OF SEX!!! I hear that all the time and it's so old!
Sounds like I have a spilt personality, HA HA! Good that I can look back and laugh but sometimes it's not funny at all. Maybe I have to much on my mind and I am to overwhelmed by everything and just lose control. I do feel a little better now venting!!
Jim and I are still talking to each other but not as much. We talked and I told him that I really don't want anything serious now. I think there was no spark for me and that is why I didn't want to go any more farther with him. But I want him as a friend I don't want to lose that with him. I just have this feeling he cant except that just a friendship with me, but I never got those feeling with him.
Blah Blah!! My life!!!

Date

2005-01-30T09:45:00.000-06:00

Last night I went out with Jim for the 3rd time, it was so intense! We went out for supper which the food was excellent! Then he turned on me he starting making all these plan for us, moving together and having kids and on and on. I was so thrown off I didn't talk I had this shock stare (I would loved to seen it) and didn't know what to say or do! I was thinking to myself did I through off any mixed messages with him! We haven't got real imitate yet, kissing and some physical touching but it been real basic dates getting to know each other. I do like him and enjoy being with him but I want to take it slow and make sure this the only one for me. I always said when I got married I will always stay married to the end, I am divorced now. That is whole another story I was thrown a loop and I have learned by it. I do like him so I have to be honest with him and tell him how I feel and what I want out of this relationship and see how it goes from there.

Changes

2005-01-28T13:54:00.000-06:00

Moving into my apartment was a lot of work, tired just thinking about it. It's so nice that I am in a new place which is all for myself. The house was great but it had a lot of memories in it and I want to start fresh. Still deciding if I want my girlfriend to move in with me, but right now I like it by myself. It's something I did on my own and can handle by myself, but I know she wants and needs a place to soon.

Had a crappy day at work, tried to get everything done and everyone wanting more from me. I would like to say I am only one person two legs and two arms do it yourself! I think some people are just lazy and tries to push it on others. And I am the fool that does it to so I bring it on myself.

Fanatic Thanksgiving

2004-11-28T20:33:00.000-06:00

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! My Thanksgiving was terrific just being with all my family is all I ask for and that is what I am so thankful for is my family. With all the hussle and bussle in this world we don't get a chance to sit down and be thankful for what we all have in our life. This day I can just sit around with my family and just enjoy myself and have no worries. Also, allot of my friends come home to visit their families for Thanksgiving and we all get together the next day and have a crazy time. So, Friday and Saturday was a real blur for me I think I had a little to much fun. Sunday was my day to rest and get back into my old groove again for Monday morning.

Unhappy or stressed

2004-11-17T20:54:00.000-06:00

I knew right away this morning when I heard my alarm go off that today will suck! It's like everything that I touched or looked at went to hell. It started out like this, I had this one outfit that I was going to wear that day in your head and then I find out it's still in the dirty clothes. Can't get my eye contract in my eye! Doing my hair and this one little piece of hair will not work for me and that little piece of hair can screw up my whole hair style. Breakfast spilled my drink have to stop and take time to clean that up! Get into my vehicle and I forgot to put gas in yesterday and I am late already can't stop for gas so I am praying that I can just get to work! When driving I get behind someone that shouldn't be driving and I am freaking out by now! Got into work thank you God I made it! I have to tell you that I pray to God a lot because I am really bad at filling up my gas tank I wait till the last minute to do it and one of these times I won't be so lucky!
Work, I cant tell you how many time I had to do things twice. You know when you crumble up paper and throw it in the trash can, yep missed it everytime. I could go on with this but I won't! Now that I am looking back on my day I think it's funny. I am thinking why did I get so upset over those small stuff? I freak out and threw yes a tantrum, will that make it better? At first its like a fix for me but then I look back and realize it wasn't that bad and why did I act that way. I just have to learn not to stress out about the small stuff in life, but I need a lot of work to get to that point!

Why me????

2004-11-12T13:31:00.000-06:00

I think I have finally got out of my slump! I was feeling poor me feel sorry for me attitude. I am bouncing back to my old but new exciting me! Yes, after the divorced it was hard and very painful but I am not alone I am not the only one that has gone through it! You know I did try everything to make it work and he just didn't have that commitment to have a family!! We just had different ideas for our marriage and I now can live with that! I can finally stop saying Why me?

Pre-Halloween

2004-11-02T21:53:00.000-06:00

This year I decide I would dress up for Halloween, past years no way would I get all dressed up in some costume. But this year I decide I would so I went as cat women like in Batman. Couple of my friends came over to my house to get all decked out in our outfits and head out on the town. In the bars more then half of the people were dressed up so that made it so much fun. The bad things is when people comes up to you and you have no idea who you are talking to you kind of freaks you out. But all in all it was a blast, it brings out the kid in you and we all need that sometimes in our life.

Summing it all up

2004-10-23T14:26:00.000-05:00

Well, its has been a little bit since the last time I posted on here. I went to a wedding last weekend up north from me about 5 hours away. A few of my friends and I drove up together which was a blast and made the ride go so much faster. Wow, you should of seen the scenery up there the color of the leaves were so diverse and so beautiful. We finally got up there and we checked in we all still needed to freshen up before the wedding. We had 45 min to get ready before the wedding, if you can imagine 3 women in this one hotel room trying to get ready, I will leave that to your own imagination. We found the church it was out in no where land, but those old small churches has so much characteristic. I love going to weddings it has so much love that surrounds you it is the best feels. The wedding went really good with no big mistakes, like the pastor said you cant expect ever thing to run perfect in your life, how true is that???? So, back to the resort where we were staying and the reception is being held how perfect is that!!!! There was open bar having a few drinks and mixing it up with everyone there. After a while we all had to sit down to eat which was a good thing drinking on a empty stomach isn't a good thing to do. Honestly, I have never had tasted pork chops like this before, they were fanatico. Now, it was time for giving the toast to the bride and groom the wedding party had way to much to drink they wouldn't shut up. Toward the end it had nothing to do with the bride and groom it was about who could make a bigger ass out of themselves. They had a DJ for their music it was the typical wedding dance the dollar dance and so on. It was over at midnight and some of us still wanted to party a little more went to the bar and a had few more. I think I finally crashed about 3 or so in the morning. I have to say over all the weekend was outstanding and I had so much fun. Luckily, I didn't drive home I slept the whole way home.

The Past

2004-10-12T21:00:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I am going to though some boxes that I had in the back of my closet. It was pictures of me growing up when I was a baby till I graduated from high school. It is always fun to look back at yourself when you were younger and all the great memories that you have gone though. I really didn't realize that seeing my mom in some of those pictures would hit me so hard. I have pictures of my mom around my house but I think seeing us together in those pictures just brought back the memories that we shared and what I am missing out on now with her today. I do think of my mom every single day but seeing us together like that it really hit me. My mom died almost 10 years ago and it feels like yesterday. Yes, it is 10 years but it still hurts so bad inside, its a piece of me missing and I will never get back and it has changed me for the rest of my life. I am 32 years old but you always need your mom I don't care what you say, you do!! I would do anything to get a chance to talk to her or even get a hug from her now. I just keep on telling myself she is in a better place now and don't be so selfish and only think of yourself. I just needed to sit down and have a good old cry and let it all out. I do have to say I do feel so much better now.

So much to say but can't

2004-10-11T19:56:00.000-05:00

I have so much in my head now, my head is about to explode. Have you ever had some much to talk about but don't even know where to begin, that is how I am now. I have so much to say but where do I begin with it. My life, election( I know who I am voting for) and all the shit that surrounds me.
Honestly, I am so sick of all this talk about Bush and Kerry it is all negative things, I don't even what to hear about it anymore. Have you heard anyone say anything positive about this election? I just hope it wont be a close race again, so we have hear about all that. I want it done with and have Bush continue doing his job and that is that!!
Well, that is enough from me tonight!

Withdrawals....

2004-10-06T22:15:00.000-05:00

I am a true Pepsi fan, I have at least one can a day. I think I drink to much pop (Midwest slang) and I want to start drinking more water instead. Tonight would of been two days without it, and I was going insane! I am crabby, on edge and have a headache ( no, its not that time of the month either) so I broke down and brought a Pespi. My god, it was soooo good.
Am I a Pespiholic? Ha Ha!! I guess it's better then being an alcoholic or maybe not. I think it's so funny, how my body and my personality changed when I wasnt drinking it, kind of scary! I am feeling so much better now, Wow!!

Glassy eyes

2004-10-05T14:30:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning my eyes really hurting, I felt all this pressure around them. I looked in the mirror my god do I look like shit. My eyes had this gloss over them, it was like I was drinking all night but I wasn't. What the hell is wrong with me, I am probably coming down with something. That is all I need right now to deal with a cold to drag me down.

I thought I would go to the store and buy some fruit, O.J. and a bunch of healthy things quick after work, praying no one will see me, I am telling you I didn't look good. I think everyone was in that store that I knew, almost all of them said you don't look so good is there something wrong, are you sick? So, I am in the store dodging people that I knew, quickly turning the other way so they didn't see me, it is funny now that I think about it. I just have this in my head if people see me that way, they think I am having a hard time with my divorce. Honestly, I am having a hard time but I don't want them to know about it and feel sorry for me. That is the last thing I want is people to feel sorry for me. Or be the talk of the town like I saw Tammy in a store she looked terrible she isn't handling her divorce very well. By the way I live in a small town where every person knows about everything. I do have friends and family helping me deal with it, so I am lucky there. I should be worrying only about myself and not what other people are thinking about my situation. I am working on that I have this list on things I like to change about myself, that is for another time to vent about.

Lazy Sunday afternoon

2004-10-03T20:22:00.000-05:00

Today, I am telling myself that I am not doing a thing I am just relaxing and doing nothing! Then I hear the phone ringing I am thinking oh no, should I answer it or just let it ring. Well, I did answer it and it was my friend Heather she wanted to know if I would go bike riding on the bike trail with her. What do you think I was going to say no to that, I love going biking. I had this feeling it was more then a bike ride she wanted to talk. Heather is a great friend and all, but I say she is my soap opera, I don't have to watch them on T.V I just have to listen to her life and it's better then what you see on T.V. Don't take it the wrong way, she just has the most interesting life and everything that can happen does for her. I will be there to listen to her and give her my support that is what she needs now. She was there for me when I went though my divorce, and that is a whole another story. So, it was a great Sunday afternoon for me enjoying the outdoors and spending it with a great friend.

Bars, beer, music and fire

2004-10-02T16:38:00.000-05:00

I am finally feeling like myself now and it's 4:30 in the afternoon. I had so much fun last night out with my friends. First, we went to get a bite to eat and had a few drinks there. Then we decided to move to the next bar and have a few drinks there, this bar was packed. It was so packed when one person moved everyone moved with them. We had to leave that place you couldn't even hear what the person next to you was saying and they were even shouting it in your ears. We went to a bar that was having a band, I love listening and dancing to music so this is the place for me. I think I lost 5 pounds with all the dancing I did last night. We all stayed there till close then we headed back up to my place and started a fire in my fire pit. It was so perfect outside the moon so bright and the millions of stars in the sky while sitting around the fire. I think it was about 4 a.m. when I think everyone left or crushed at my house.

Hanging by what......

2004-09-30T22:22:00.000-05:00

O.k. now I have to get a new shower door, it is just hanging there by what I don't know. I had someone come over and see what kind of doorthat I needed and they will install it for me. Great!! Couple of hours later they called back and said it will take 4 weeks to get the door I need for it. Four weeks I don't think that door will stay on that long. I know, I know I did wait to the very last minute to get it fixed so it is my own fault. Now that will eventually get fixed, what is next to break for me! It seems like when one thing gets fixes then another thing breaks for me. Oh well, nothing is perfect around here.

Fall

2004-09-29T15:45:00.000-05:00

What a beautiful fall day, I just love fall! The changing of the leaves reds, yellows and orange what a sight to see. At night it gets cool and crisp out just throw on a sweatshirt and stare into the sky and get lost in your own thoughts. Last night the moon was so big and bright the earth was glowing from its light, how perfect is that?

I don't believe it!!!

2004-09-29T15:25:00.000-05:00

I was playing around on here, looking what all my options were and you guessed it I deleted my Blog! I could not believe I did that, well I am moving on and starting it over.